Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
12 garbage cans filled with water, a beer can floating in every garbage can, 20 ft. apart and you shoot with dodge balls..and thats only how the night began
He just made a mudslide using rubinoff and swiss miss packets. This can't end well....
some asshole was waslkibg around with ab electric razor and shaving parts of peoples heads.
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Randomize
