Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
dude i feel like shit
well u did eat a lot of play-doh
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
btw, whatever u do, dont try and take that towel away from her..i tried, it got ugly..she said some things im sure she regrets.
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
i have never been so sexually frustrated as I am right now. I feel like dying...is death an option?
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
Randomize
