Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
he squeezed my boobs like he didn't know what else to do with them, then turned down head...
told you he was gay.
well i did drunkenly flip his snowmobile going 90, so i can kind of see why hes mad
she just punched a dude and called him a peasant for not drinking fast enough in flip cup.
She dresses cool and she's mean. And she has fake boobs I feel like I can relate to her on so many levels.
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
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