I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
When dressing for a 3way, how do I convey to the other chick I care enough to look pretty but not so much that it's a huge deal?
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
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