my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
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