how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Now I know Sunday Funday means fucking till you loose your voice.
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