I'm at the point in my career when i know a sites a trap and isn't real porn
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
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