connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
This is my life. Enjoy the view
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
He showed up completely drunk with a 30 of PBR and ten cans of Spam. I like this kid.
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