dude, you're being a jerk.
sorry, didn't mean to pull a Cheney
sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
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