Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
you asked "if this appropriate to take the the bathroom?" while holding up a bottle of vodka when you went to pee.
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
You took a bar mat shot.
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
I'm supposed to be studying for finals but all I can think about is blowing him on a sea doo this summer
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
Randomize
