I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
I have a drinking game planned. Were gunna watch empire records. Everytime they say rex manning we have to take a shot
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
Had sex with one of the guys from Ireland. Celebrating st pattys early.
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
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