Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
oh good, I think they're gone
the painters?
my herpes
I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
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