just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
Ummmm yeah ..,.. All three girlfriends I have right now are chatting with each other at the party...... I'll see you on the other side
She had a maple leaf tattoo behind her ear and told me she liked my "playoff beard".
Only in Canada would your laziness be applied to hockey and rewarded.
My vagina just recognized that song.
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
Randomize
