508, what difference does it make? You were alone, anyway.
I love how girls just decide that guys who don't like them must be gay
I do the same thing. If a girl doesn't like me...I am like, "i must be gay"
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
Only you can can turn Jenga into a drinking and then a sex game.
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
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