How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
I'm sorry for gagging during our first time having sex
I was drunk
Please answer
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Randomize
