He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
Since when does sleeping with your RA not result in free meal swipes? I feel so tricked...
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
Yes, do intervene. Unless it involves cowboys with loud trucks and hard 9 inch dicks. Then just come back for me in the morning.
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
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