I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
Seriously though, we're going to drink and watch Survivor first one to puke gets voted off the island
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
Umm I need a rain check. Long story short is I have scabies. Research it if you want. I'll tell you everything another time soon, I promise.
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
Randomize
