WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
i feel like arbor mist is too classy for that. you need a colt 45
Yeah you're right. The one time when arbor mist is too classy
he then proceeded to tear down my curtains, wrap them around his waist, and use the rod as his "rod"... you tell me how drunk he is...
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
I put him in the supply closet, used the copy paper to build a fort around him and his wheelchair, then he fucked me in the fort.
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