I'll forget this but out at 4am with a lesbian model at lil waynes bday party for the record
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
Long labias. Talking about. Too drunk to explain. Tomorrow.
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
I'm just a little drunk right now and I have to work at 3
Omg sara
I ran out of milk and it's hot and I was thirsty
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
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