I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
Studying for the exam.. Identifying the portraits using phrases like "large penis"
Part of my whole not being a slut anymore involves not giving other peoples boyfriends blowjobs
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
You came over, called every girl Comrade Heather, and then declared that you were an Eagle, and we were your young.
So all in all, a good night.
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
I HAVENT HAD A NICE A NICE DICK SINCE FEBRUARY!! I WANNA KEEP THIS ONE!!!
Randomize
