the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
The football player sitting in front of me just googled himself. Only 4 articles came up. That's why he plays at Utah State.
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
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