I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
Randomize
