So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
Either way you look at it, I'm a slut. But either way I look at it, I'm having a fucking blast.
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
He made me cum 3 times, then immediately after sex packed a bowl and passed it to me. Yeah.. I'll keep him.
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