you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
Day two of taking my adderall. I just organized the pantry and alphabetized my dvds. I've missed my mind on drugs
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
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