Wait. When you mean sick you mean a cold sick right ? not something else.
I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
How is it possible that I am in a completely different city, and there are 2 dudes here that I've banged? How????
its fine. mom just made me chug a long island. and made a crying face when i balked. we'll talk tomorrow.
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
I mean seriously with your cock and my tits combined we could rule the world. Pinky and the brain style
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
