were not allowed back there because i puked on the waitresses foot while trying to order another round. for myself.
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
He said he's in to distance fucking. I thought he just mean long durations. We fucked on a towel all the way down his tile hallway accross his kitchen and into the living room
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
Randomize
