Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
There is ecstasy everywhere. Get over here right no5w. The 5 is silent.
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
Traveling before 21 and traveling after 21 are two different things. There's a whole nother world of red white and blue weird out there
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
Just want to apologize again for asking to spot your form in the shower.
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
Randomize
