I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
I have a very awkward question for you. Could you possibly take my black dildo. My mom wants to clean my room.
And then I'm going to yell into her vagina and see if it echoes
she was eating donuts out of the garbage. enough said.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
What is the acceptable way to offer a trade of sex for a few hours of body heat?
Why can I remember how tall Nicki Minaj is from looking up her height once months ago, yet after weeks into the semester I can't even remember where any my classrooms are located
Importance
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
Randomize
