Please, let me fuck your mom
my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
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