my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
I just masturbated mid-day, thinking of you
I think that is one of the most romantic things I have ever heard from a fuck buddy on v-day, there is a strong possibility that you will soon be my girlfriend.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
Just got a hand job during Charlie St.cloud I honestly never thought Id thank Zac Efron fir one of his movies but thank you
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
Randomize
