goodnight i made you a song goodbye
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
I am fine. Katie thinkr i broke things pole dancing. I am coherant.
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
Bathtub drinking tim. I have no pool so I work with what I have
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Randomize
