god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
Sounds good. Stay safe. I'm kind of drunk in a Food 4 Less right now and I'm having the time of my life.
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
Randomize
