I met the friendliest cop last night
I yelled "Coming in hot." before penetrating. Im pretty sure she loved it.
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
I don't even care that his girlfriend will be there. Us hooking up is a tradition and she will NOT ruin it.
i love you man. i hope we fuck some serious shit up this summer.
I sold him an eighth while trippin balls wearin my girlfriends tutu and tube top. and i was talking about albinos the entire time
well, he defiantly picked the right guy to buy drugs from
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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