Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
it was good, but also weird. like, i came four times and then cried weird.
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
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