Can't talk. I'm at the Tulsa Sheriff's office with a bunch of rednecks. I bet I'm the only one that voted for Obama.
I bet you're the only one who could read the ballott.
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
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