He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
I'm not surprised. You have the libido of an Italian soccer team.
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
Who knows. I'd probably only get a makeout with an OTPHJ from her so the return on sexual investment from her isn't looking that great.
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
Randomize
