Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
She has more profile pics than tagged pics. narcissism at its best.
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
I love having hate sex.
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
And. I know i am a gay man cause when i saw the pic of his cock his feet were in it and i am like what the fuck?
its gotten to the point where if her hand isn't on my butt i think we're in a fight
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
Randomize
