Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
He talked me into making a sex video, no worries though, I was wearing sunglasses.
Not even desperate vagina wants small cock.
Glad to hear you raised your standards
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
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