Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
Whats the name of the guy with his hand down my pants?
i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
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