That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
He kept starring at my ass and repeating "Its Just a beautiful piece of artwork."
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
"guaranteed dick" "anywhere - her room, my room, trees, couch"
Sorry that was quotes about you from the grad student.
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
Randomize