Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
if you are still a virgin by winter break we are throwing an aztec themed sacrifice the virgin party
What are you wearing tonight?
The colors of the winddddddd
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
Let's not forget that we had sex on the ground in public tonight.
Randomize