In the future we'll all be gay
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
Two girls down stairs, two girls up stairs and....
We've got ourselves a situation
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
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