I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
you made wolf sounds and yelled "team me" the entire movie
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
I love reading their "i love you more" , "no i love you more" war on facebook today knowing that he hooked up with me last night. I bet i know who wins that one.
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
I fill condoms, not promises.
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
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