my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
We're pregaming our midterms. Also, when we get our tests back, we're taking a shot for every point we lost. If you're not in, you should just go ahead and transfer.
Idk we were snorting lines and making out in the stall while these people were cheering us on, on the other side. And that's when I realized he wasn't the only guy in the girls bathroom.
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
Wait I can't come yet Mr. Brightside is playing
ok i defs just took my shirt off in the middle of a frat party though so keep me updated
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
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