fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
2011 senior yearbook drinking game. we're taking a shot whenever some dumbass uses that quote about how life isn't isn't about the breaths you take, but the moments that take your breath away. also that retarded wayne gretzky one about missing shots you don't take.
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
All I'm saying is that if you have time for a 20 min shower bj you have time for me
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak.
I was just tongue fucked into oblivion.
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
Randomize
