they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
I may puke in class so I'm excited to see how that goes
Happy Thanksgiving! Hope its not too awkward that your dad and your boyfriend are the same age.
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
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