his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
If I'm having a dream where I'm having sex and I can actually feel it between my legs because I've had a lot of it recently, does that make me a whore?
I have a feeling this is a serious question. Problem solve, Jess.. I'm going to let you figure that one out on your own
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
Randomize
