Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
It really wasent that hard. The male one had a M and the woman one had a W. I just couldent comprehend that at the time.
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
Got into Princeton. So excited about the mommy-issue-over-achieving-cock I get to ride the next 4 years!!!
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
all I remember is grinding on everyone in the room regardless of gender and quoting the lion king non-stop. We need to stop buying Jameson.
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
It was like I was gay for pay but except being gay I became straight and instead of for pay it was for coke.
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