literally had 100 drinks last night.
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
My mom's 50 year old alcoholic friend just told me about how she was more whoreish then us at our age. Challenge accepted.
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
Agreed. That's like a marriage. For better or worse, till death do us part. I will hold your head over a toilet
I would feel bad that's he's locked out naked, but the world should really see that.
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
Randomize
