if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
It's like God shit irony all over that family
Acid is not a monday night drug
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
I'm just concerned it's gonna end up in my vagina again
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
Got home. All the lights were on. All the doors were unlocked. My room was covered in beads, there's puke in the sink and of course our toilet is still broke. I'd say it was a decent Mardi Gras
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
Randomize
