Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
i think of them as a grilled chicken salad and a fried chicken biscuit. obviously Amy is better for me, but when i'm eating her all i can think about is how much better the blonde must taste.
ok, she started talking about how she swears her step dad killed her mom. starting to back out of this one
I'm just concerned it's gonna end up in my vagina again
The bouncer was being really rude for no reason. Steph PICKED him up and physically MOVED him from our path on the way out.
Well thats the pro of going out drinking with a pro body builder. Even if its a girl.
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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