i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
I think I used my NERF gun during sexual roleplay. Need to re-evaluate my life choices.
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
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