I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
it's all fun and games until somebody pulls the tampon string..
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen
At one point in time, he cried and said I didn't appreciate him.
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
She just won 2 Grammys at 17 and were sitting here hotboxing our half bathroom
Was it cause you feel bad for the ridiculousness my vagina goes through because same
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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