the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
I just want school to he over so we can build a big tent, do drugs inside it, and watch cartoons until the sun comes up.
That's all I've ever wanted.
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
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