He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
At what point should i just give my brother a break and stop sleeping with his friends?
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
Last night I dressed up as a cowgirl and walked into McDonald's. I bought 20 mcribs. There's pictures
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
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