i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
we just ordered 30 dollars worth of french fries...whats wrong with us?
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
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