"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
Being with her was like shitty sexual fear factor big ass sausage nipples over sized outty belly button i was scared and drunk tell know one
Sending a pic of labia to send to the TN Legislator. Obviously they don't think I know what to do with it so I'm gonna ask them for advice.
Said he wanted to wear me as a loincloth. Not sure if sexual or predatory
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Randomize
