Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
he ate out my asshole, i really don't think he gets embarrassed easily.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
I mean you would really have to try to not have fun at a party that doesn't require pants....
hes fine. but he did fall asleep while tebowing and started snoring
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
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