My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
just came on the shower curtain. sorry housekeeping.
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
My parents just out drank me... I cant get back to college soon enough
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
I ripped off the screen and literally supermaned through my bedroom window. That wasted
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Randomize
