Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
i want to swaddle you in tequila
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
I think pants incapable of making pants work
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
Randomize
