Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
there were no ball for pong so he bought cat toys..... they had bells in them
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
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