i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
Fuck me first. Then we can craft and watch Terminator 2.
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
Please tell me you haven’t left campus yet!!!! I forgot my Hitachi and will not survive Thanksgiving without a steady supply of orgasms
Randomize
