Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
i would like you to please flash back to us blacked out in the bathroom when you told me i needed to take one for the team and have a threesome with you and jon to help your relationship. you then told me you had no issue putting ghb in my drink to make it happen.
I'm making a quesadilla and including it in the picture because that's the only way I think I can send her dick pics.
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
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